Honey, did you find a danish in my pants pocket?

At this point every year, every one- I mean everyone- no matter what kind of shape they are in, were in, or want to be, likes to think that this is the year that everything will be different.

Facebook and Twitter are jam-packed with:

“This is the year that I will change”…

“This year, I will finally run that 10 k”, …

”I signed up for the Half Marathon!”,…

“I love the Wild Rose cleanse!”…

You get the idea.

Then in a few weeks, its all “ Too much wine + too little sleep = McDonalds for breakfast and Dominos for lunch!”

Take that, New Years Resolutions. With a side of hot-fudge-poutine-sundae.

Since we’re all doomed to failure (well, one out of every 100 of us will succeed- yippee) , I figure we might as well have a little bit of fun with that very path to failure we are all planning on traveling along.

So lace up your Asics, New Balance, Nikes, or Tevas, and lets make like Michael Vick and underachieve beyond our wildest imagination.

To help us do so, I’ve looked up some fan-tabulous tips on the wonderful Interweb that can expedite the process.

Let’s begin with “Foods That Help You Lose Weight”:

1. Lettuce - supplies lost cellulose in protein weight loss.

Apparently its better for you if you don’t put it between three slices of bread with special sauce and two burger patties.  But really, it just don’t taste the same.

2. Asparagus-supplies vitamins and trace elements for people who lose weight by low-carbohydrate absorption.

Also makes your pee smell really special. I mean, they should make a perfume or something.

3. Zucchini-eliminates dull skin after losing weight.

You know I have great recipe for chocolate zucchini cake? That probably won’t help lose weight either, but hey- it’s the healthiest cake I’ve ever eaten.

4. Tomato-maintains skin elasticity and moisture.

Also makes for a great marinara sauce. Which goes well on pizza, or, in a pinch, combined with ground beef for a beautiful Bolognese. Also not optimum for losing weight… But also tastes deeeliiiccious!!!!

5. Salmon- supplies quality protein for people who lose weight by low-fat method.

Omega-whatta? I just know I love the smell of fish in the morning. Much like Bob Izumi.

6. Strawberries-supply substantial lost vitamins.

Beautiful. Especially when they are coated with a crop duster. Check out the video before you eat another one. I don’t know if I want to know what that chemical was…

7. Low-alcohol Wine-accelerates the metabolism.

I’m sorry, but- what exactly is the point of low alcohol wine??

8. Turkey-low calorie and high in protein.

Mmmmm. Tryptophan. Prepares you for substantial beauty rest.

Well, there you have it. The best trends to try for three days and give up. But hey- look on the bright side! At least we’ll all be doing it together.

DISCLAIMER: THE FOODS LISTED HERE ARE ACTUALLY GOOD FOR YOU. THE ITEMS HERE ARE NOT AWARE OF THIS SLANDEROUS DISCUSSION, SO PLEASE DON’T TELL THEM.

ALSO, NO FRUITS, VEGETABLES, OR TURKEYS WERE HARMED DURING OR AFTER THE WRITING OF THIS BLOG. UNLESS YOU COUNT THE POUND OF CARROTS I ATE THIS MORNING. OR THE ASPARAGUS-PEE PERFUME I’M WEARING.

Start by taking baby steps. Majority of New Year’s resolutions fail because the goal is virtually unobtainable. You must to start by determining what your schedule will allow. If you work and have school, maybe you can only swing working out two times a week. That is OK.

Next you need to determine which areas you feel need a little work. If it’s your stomach go online and look up a few easy steps, or stop by the local gym and ask a trainer what they would suggest. Gym’s like to give out little tidbits of information because they feel you will come back for a paid lesson, take advantage!

Finally, stop over-eating. Go with your gut and stop eating before you become uncomfortable. A good way to allow your body to tell you when you are full is by taking smaller portions and eating slower. If you have more on your plate you feel compelled to eat it all. If you eat slower your body has time to digest the food allowing your belly to tell your brain you are no longer hungry.

Don’t lose weight but gain a feeling.

As we all know Vancouver is a great place for food lovers, there are tons of restaurants to choose from and something that will suit any palette. I have compiled a few items that we should really be avoiding at all costs and if not indulge in very rarely. These items are full of fat and calories and at the end of the day all you can think is I can’t believe I ate that. Ugh!

The Elvis Platter @ Memphis Blues

All it consists of is meat, meat, and more meat. Even the few vegetables on the platter are bad as their covered in sauce. They don’t release their nutrition facts but I’m quite certain they’re higher than you would even expect.

Triple Chocolate Shake Size Small @ McDonald’s

This item has 560 calories and 13 grams of fat, the amount of calories in the shake is equivalent to that of a Big Mac. So the next time you think “Oh, I’ll just have a drink shouldn’t be that bad” think again because you could’ve just went for the Big Mac instead.

Grand Slamwich without the hash browns @ Denny’s

Running at 1320 calories, 90 grams of fat, 42 grams of saturated fat and 3070 mg of salt this is one heavy meal to start your day. Everything is pretty much past the daily recommended amount and it will likely take more than a few training sessions to burn off those calories. Now after a late night of drinking maybe that Denny’s breakfast doesn’t sound so delicious.

Poutine @ New York Fries

We’re all Canadian here so obviously we love a good helping of poutine, all that deliciousness of fried potato, cheese, and gravy can’t easily be passed up on. How about if it has 950 calories and 50 grams of fat, hopefully this will make you think twice about indulging in New York Fries and instead just grabbing a salad at the stand next door.

Chocolate Thunder from Down Under @ Outback Steakhouse

Even though this isn’t a Canadian restaurant this dessert couldn’t be ignored for the pure outrageousness of it all. There is 88 grams of saturated fat in this dessert, which is equivalent to 4 ½ days worth and has 1911 calories. I mean this as a meal alone is almost equivalent to a day’s worth of calories but its dessert meaning it comes after a meal. Since you’re reading up on this don’t forget to look up the Aussie Cheese Fries with Ranch Dressing. Thank you Outback for bringing us the most indulgent meal in America.

On second thought, I think this post might have just made me freaken hungry…

Let me further explain myself. You work out to maintain a certain weight. Why do you want to stay at said weight? Because it feels right. At the aforementioned weight your jeans fit, the opposite sex stares (sometimes too long), and you feel good.

The point of losing weight is to feel good so why not maintain a feeling instead of a number.

You now ask, how do I go about feeling good? You didn’t think I would give all my secrets away in one article did you. Keep checking to learn how to gain a feeling.